i step three-mile circles
until i know for certain
where the world begins

wildflowers obey pavement
bul-buls fade distancing
you couldnt pay me
to kayak in that water

everything willl vanish
nothing will return
familiar porches cannot hold

my neighbors
and their derelict yards
and thier stomachs
full of loose change

stalked some online frind of a friend's ig and now im feeling a bit inspired to pursue art projects again. going to capitalize on this feeling by ordering a bunch of stuff i need for these experiments but have put off a lot

generally feels like, while I'm still in my bucket, I have found a rhythm. I'm gonna try to use that to work on some projects before the year ends. photo related but may venture into other mediums. I'm also spending more money on coffee stuff, vinyl records, etc. feels weird to finally have some dispodsable income for this stuff. have to remind myself to not get too crazy and overspend. so I will cut myself off agter these purchases (coffee grinder, kitchen scale, color filters, nd filter, film, toy camera) until i force myself to use them all

my hand, it feels tingly. my right hand. obviously it's from work related constant motions, but i wish it would go away

went on a dumb, bender-adjacent binge this weekend. i went to work every day, so not a true bender, but i spent way too much money on drinks and gewtting drunk every night. threw some ketamine in while at some dj/queer event in some gross warehouse. gave some friends bumps so it's not like im selfish ! but then the next day i did blow in a bar bathroom... felt depressed monday, which i attribute to flushing the weekend out of my system. that's fine. but i have to be cognisant to not let that become habit. maybe thats why my mind is pushing me towards art again...

i was supposed to do a small shoot yesterday, someone else's idea, but she didn't reply to my last messages so I guess that's not happening for some time

i really did not like one of my coworkers but once i reminded myself that some people are just like that, and can't be helped, i have been able to compartmentalize my dislike and just carry on silly conversations in order to pass the time. no use in creating frcition, even if warranted, if all it stands to do is make my time there more inconvenient. he's leaving in a couple weeks. i can make it through

finally took some bumps of the k i'd been babying for months last night. felt nice. felt heavy. felt cold.

i want to spend money right now but i can't commit to anything. shirts, pants, camera filters... nothing seems worth it. whats the point even?

i'm thinking is has to do with the fact that i messed up the haircut i was going for this morning and as a result just buzzed everything. like, i get it now... but also i don't. im gonna try again in a couple weeks. try to get the haircut i wanted. maybe i'll take some vitamins. some, what is it, keratin? biotin. biotin cause i think that stimulates hair growth. i have some somehwere anyways

i need my cub back its been a month since i dropped it off at the shop, over a month since i was hit. i should've filed a report. i didn't cause whatever i knew it was 'my fault' in the eyes of the law (bullshit) but also the girls driving were leaving the bad bunny concert so i'm sure they were intoxicated enough to get the fault off of me. but then you get into potentially making their lives more difficult. i at least live within biking distance to anywhere i need to go

i forget my sister's wedding is this month. it's one of the only two things imma do. the other a dumb concert that i'm sure will be fun

have to finish some zines. i dont have enough pictures of one theme i don't know how im gonna complete it. the market is this upcoming saturday. i won't be there the whole time.

i'm falling behind on my reading goal according to goodreads. i finished two so far. should be at four. i have a good list of ones to read tho, so it's not so much a shortage of material

i spent most of yesterday in the community darkroom developing and scanning. i never want to scan again. i did both flatbed and dslr. flatbed is so slow, which, if you do it on a per roll basis, may be good enough. but since i had a huge backlog, it was too slow. supplemented it with dslr scanning, which seems to go by faster, until you remember you have to do a lot of the work in photoshop to invert and correct them. both are rather tedious. i suppose if i bought negative lab pro, dslr scanning would be easier. woudl give better flatbed results too, but honestly, seems like i should just leave it to the lab. if i'm really worried about savign moeny, i can develop myself and drop off for scans. i also attempted prints in the darkroom, but none came out how i would've liked. all too gray. no contrast. flat. i havdn't printed in forever and i was already frustrated from the scanning. add in that i hadn't ate and was on hour five of being there, i gave up. the paper was also stuff i got at work, so didn't know any technical specs of it. was good to try prints again, generally speaking. hadn't done that since i made some for areli's birthday. which was last june

writing on here cause i need a break from the photoshop process and cause i've meant to for a while but kept neglecting it

was seeing the word 'limerence' a lot last week. it felt apt to my then current headspace, but i think something has shifted. at least i hope something has shifted. i'm more relaxed again

making vague plans to visit new orleans again. haven't been since 2017 when i went to go see a um friend who was also visiiting, but from conneticut

i made a list of resolutions in a post on the forum i frequent. thought about updating where im at with that on there, but figured i can do it here. i'm not closer to getting a real job. had an interview, didnt get it, and gave up for a few weeks. need to get back to that. i'm behind on redeaing, but i'm still reading. so progress. i have worked on more photo ideas. it just takes time. also need to find a better way to take double exposure photos. haven't touched the bass guitar yet. have written more (only whats on this blog though). maybe if i take the bus more i will have time to jot down line ideas for poems or something. i am more social when going out now. at least, in comparison. have initiated more conversations. have met new people. its exhausting but it's being done. made kimchi last week, so expanding my cooking is also progressing. no idea for a 'big' trip yet. had considered barcelona but things change. aforementioned new orleans and a potential ride to austin are all i have on the docket rn. tho there is someone that recently took a bike like mine across several states (texas, luisiana, new mexico, etc.) so gonna read that write-up and maybe get inspired

ok, realized that i forgot to turn off mobile view when i made this. did that last night. it looks better this way. and involves less individual tapping to get to posts. just a stream of the most recent ones

also lots of spelling errors. i catch what i can. but don't really go back unless they're that glaring

rode ~18mi out to sheldon lake st. park to birdwatch. at the actual park i only saw three different species. was starting to feel like i wasted the effort but when heading home i stopped by the boat launch/fishing spot and saw another seven. which put me at ten for the day. one was a lifer, the rest i'd seen before. made sure to log them on ebird, since that's something i forget to do. app says i saw twenty-four different birds last year, which is wrong. was definitely more than that

i finished shooting the roll i had in my olympus. gonna get through some test rolls hopefully tomorrow morning before work. develop while on the clock. i stopped by the record store. i have had short conversations over ig dms with this girl that works there. figured i would say hi. i think i saw her when i walked in, but wanted to do my browsing first. by the time i hd picked out a few 7in singles and was making my way to the register, she wasn't there anymore. considered posting a story to kindof fish for a reply, to which i would say 'yeah was there earlier etc.' but figured... i don't need to do that. gonna mail one of the records to my friend in new york. she gave me her address but refrained from telling her what's on it. need to do that soon cause i tend to forget

yesterday i went to the camera exchange in search of a specific battery for a minox 35gt i recently came into posession of. the guy told me they don't make it anymore, and said something about a mickey-mouse battery at a batteries-plus store. not sure if he meant literal mickey mouse or said that in the way that, like, in soccer they'll call trophies/competitions that don't matter (gold cup, community shield etc) a mickey mouse cup. i had seen one on amazon, but my whole point of going there was to avoid that. ultimately, caved and ordered lr44s on amazon cause i got more and paid less than if i went to the battery store. ppl online say i can just stack four of those and tape them together and it will work

i also got a redscale 110 film cart for nine dollars. i figured i may as well get something more experimental since i probably won't shoot 110 again. gotta make it worth it. the camera i got is a minolta weathermatic, so i should shoot it in the rain or the beach or the shower. idk. but just some setting to make it all worth it

heard back from the employer and once again was rejected. i suppose it makes sense but still makes me want to retreat into myself for a while. maybe the weather has something to do with that as well. back to the drawing board

i'm gonna draft up a list for books to look out for when i go to the used bookstore later. plan on dropping off some books and hoping the credit i get for them is significant enough. i want a barry hannah book but i dont want to pay thirty-plus dollars ! anyway people on the forum i frequent have been droppping lists so i'll skim through those again for anything they say stood out to them etc.

not entirele happy with the name of this blog, but i can't think of anyhting better to change it to rn

the other day this girl i was ringing up was like "the fabrics were 4$/yard right?" i said "yeah but i did you them for 2" which she then went and got another roll. which like, i hope she didn't read that as flirting. i mean i guess it wouldn't matter, but like i give ppl discounts often. really just depends on how likable they are. and how annoying they are not. there was also this customer that called ten minutes before closing asking if we close at six. i said yea and then she said "do ya'll actually close at six or is that just a time [other thing i cant rememebr]?" like cmon why else would that be the time. anyway im too nice and i stayed til thirty after so she could get paint and prismacolors or whatever. she tipped me 8$ which was odd but i took those and bought a vegan breakfast taco the next day. she obv didn't get a discount

edit: i picked up a copy of mary robison's "one doa one on the way" and chester himes' "the end of a primitive". paid ten after trading in "catch 22" and "beloved". he gave me none for the other two books i brought. turns out both of these were available within the library system. knew i shoudl've gotten the barry hannah book. anyways. will read hopefully by the end of the month